Forgiving Rollins
by Meghanav3
Summary: Based around the scene with Barba prepping Amanda for trail. It's what might be going through her head at the time. (Supposed to be a one shot, but might continue)


Amanda sat there unsure of what to do or what to say next. She had said the words she had been avoiding since everything happened. She worked with victims every day and never did she think she would end up one herself. She looked at Barba and she knew he was looking at her different now. She knew that he wanted her to tell him what else happened, but she just wanted to go back to when no one knew of any of this. She had wished that their case had never crossed paths with Atlanta PD. But there she was telling her story and preparing to testify. In the end, she knew nothing she said would change anything. She had already let him get away with what he done, she was just hoping she could help Detective Taymor. Taymor, Amanda had known what was going to happen the moment she saw he had brought the young detective with him to the convention. Only, she just stood there and said nothing, and then ran at the first chance she got. She was too busy worrying about her own past and her own secrets getting out to do what she was trained to do, protect. She could have told Taymor to run and never look back. She could have told someone, anyone, the type of person Patton was… she should have. She knew Liv was right when she told her that's how they win. She told herself it wasn't worth pursuing, because she didn't want that reputation in the squad. She just went back to work and pretended like nothing happened.

How was she supposed to look at Fin or Nick ever again? How was she going to look at Liv ever again? She had been so cruel to Olivia and it was never because of what Olivia went through... or maybe it was. Maybe she said all the things she did because Olivia was accepting what happened with Lewis. While Amanda had shoved all of her feelings aside and acted like nothing happened. She refused to even acknowledge what happened to her. After all, when Fin asked her in that bar, she told him she wouldn't say she was raped because she wasn't. She knew it was a lie, and Fin knew that. He was good at reading her, that's why they made good partners. Maybe Olivia would cut her some slack, but she knew she didn't deserve it. She was a horrible person and screwed up so many times. If it wasn't for Cragen, she wouldn't even be in New York, let alone still have a job. He gave her the second chance and she blew it, that much she knew. She didn't want Liv to feel sorry for her or think she should go easy on her just because of what happened. Liv didn't want the squad to do that for her, Amanda sure as hell didn't want that either. Then there was Nick. She didn't even know how she could look Nick in the eyes. She knew he'd look at her with pity and she couldn't take that, not from him. While things might not have been conventional between the two of them, she still cared about him. He was there for her when everyone else seemed to disappear or let her down. She was there for him when he was spiraling out of control. Amanda knew if he looked at her that way… she wouldn't be able to handle that. If she had her way, Nick would never find out. Only everything that happened in the bar, she was sure he'd want an explanation. She just had to push everything to far. She owed him so much and yet she didn't know how to say the words. Right now she was sure things were better left unsaid.

Now that Barba was finished with her, she had to sit and wait to find out if she would be able to testify. Nothing scared her more then being up on the stand and telling the court what happened. Not because it happened, but because she spent so much time pretending it didn't. Just telling Barba was hard enough. She knew the more she said it, the realer it became. The more time she spent thinking about everything she said to Barba, the more she started to remember every detail. She had never rushed home so fast, she just needed to wash away every thought she had of him. She locked her front door and walked right into her bathroom. Closing the door and locking it behind her she turned the water on to the shower. She walked over to the door to place her coat on the hook, but instead was overcome with emotion. She leaned back against the door and slide down until she was sitting on the grown. She pulled her knees to her chest and just cried. In that moment it had finally hitting her. Deputy Chief Patton raped her. She was a victim. She was also a survivor.

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><p><em><strong>AN:<strong> Had this whole thing in my head of what might be going through Rollin's head after she told Barba Patton raped her. So I was trying to write that out. It turned out shorting then I thought it would. Maybe I'll add more or not. What do you think? (Also very big thank you to lovingyou7 for helping me with it.)_


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